


Little Did They Know

by orphan_account



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, descriptions of self harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-26 15:38:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9909068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Beth struggles with herself and the way people treat her. She finds an unexpected ally.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: graphic descriptions of self harm in here.
> 
> Note: Self harm is no fun, not cute and certainly nothing that should be glorified. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. If you're dealing with it, please go and seek help!

Little Did They Know

Beth knew the impression she left on others. Blonde girl, big blue eyes, delicate form, youngest child in the family. Certainly not tough like Maggie. No, sweet blondie had to be Daddy’s favorite. Everyone’d worship the ground she walked on, boys’d want to be with her. The world had to be so bright and beautiful for such a sunny girl.

Little did they know. Beth was good at smiling and hiding the demons that tried to corrupt her mind. She was loved, and so often felt trapped. Once the world turned to shit, she was barely able to make a step without being told no. No one’d doubt Maggie’s ability to defend herself and the ones she loved. Even Daddy was a valued member of the group.

But sweet, pretty Beth? Watch the kids, they said. Cook. Wash clothes. Stay inside. Don’t play with the big ones. Rick, Michonne, Daryl, Carol, Maggie, Glenn… Stay with the kids where you belong.

Underestimation...the story of her life.

At the prison, she did it for the first time. She’d heard of people who’d hurt themselves, with so many different reasons for their actions. Beth knew exactly what she was doing when she picked up the knife, its blade glistening in the dimmed light of her cell. Anger was filling her chest, clenching her heart, tears burning in her eyes. She’d been mad at them at first, but then things’d changed.

 _It’s your own damn fault,_ that mean inner voice sneered at her. _Who’d trust you with a weapon? It’s a fucking zombie apocalypse and you still look like the sweet girl next door. Pretty face. Clean hair. Who’s gonna take you serious, stupid Barbie doll?_

With teeth gritted and angry tears fogging her view, she brought the knife to her wrist.

No, not the arm. Daddy’s gonna see. And Maggie. Just gonna prove how unstable she was. What about her thigh though? After Zach and Jimmy, there hadn’t been anyone who’d have a closer look down there…

With a quick glance to the cell door, she slid her jeans down, exposing the milky skin beneath.

 _Stupid little girl,_ the voice kept cheering her on. _Look at you, crying in your bed like the spoiled little princess you are._

She drove the tip of the knife into her skin until she drew blood. She winced at the piercing sensation at first, but then…

It felt good. _There you go, princess. That’s what you get for being a weak doll._

She didn’t go further that day, the pressure in her chest easing the longer she watched the droplet of blood, crimson against silky white. Once the anger was gone, shame hit her like a train, as if she’d woken from a weird dream.

But Beth knew she’d do it again, and she did. 

The prison fell eventually, she and Daryl ran. It got a bit better then, when he started to see her as more than dead weight pulling him down. The day she saw respect in his eyes for the first time, she promised herself that she’d be good now. She’d changed, right? Was tougher now, had earned the trust of the person she’d admired for his strength ever since they’d lost the farm.

So much happened after that. The Claimers. Terminus. Mile after mile of walking with little food and water. She survived it all. _See? Not a weak girl anymore,_ she told the voice.

But then they’d arrived at Alexandria and what was supposed to be a safe haven pushed her right back into darkness.

Two weeks passed. Two weeks of being the group’s sweet little girl again, although she’d turn nineteen soon. More Judith-watching, no more supply runs. Carl carried a hidden gun. But no weapons for Beth.

 _Knew you’d fail,_ the voice told her. _After all, you’re gonna stay the pretty Barbie girl. You really thought that’d change? Stupid kid._

She was sure the house was empty when she slid into the bathroom and dressed down to her underwear. There she stood, chest heaving and falling, ribs visible. She looked like a kid. No surprise Daryl didn’t want her. Didn’t even kiss her, let alone fuck her.

Beth counted the silver scars on her inner thighs, barely visible but still there. Her hand tightened around the knife’s handle. This time she barely registered how she sank onto the edge of the tub, how the tip of the blade found her skin. Tears dropped and she sighed when she felt the familiar sting of freshly broken skin. Finally some relief. Finally...

She hadn’t heard him coming home. No one ever really did. She gasped in shock and dropped the knife when she caught him standing in the doorway, studying her with an expression she couldn’t read.

“It’s not…”

 _It’s not what? Not what it looks like?,_ the voice laughed at her. _It’s not you being a freak?_

“Daryl, please, don’t go telling Maggie,” she pleaded, heart hammering in panic.

He said nothing. Instead he stepped inside, closed the door and headed for the toilet seat. She watched his every movement until his gaze met hers again.

“You wanna talk about it? Why you did it?” Calm, low voice. Like there was nothing unusual about the situation.

“What?” She stared in utter confusion.

Daryl held her gaze for a moment, then sighed. “You ain’t crazy, y’know?” Beth watched as he lifted the hem of his shirt. She knew about the scars on his back, caused by a brutal father, but hadn’t been aware of the ones on his front. Until now.

“See that?” He pointed at a couple of round scars near the waistband of his pants. Cigarette burns, she guessed.

“That was me,” he explained, oddly confident as he spoke. Nothing compared to the thin voice she’d heard when he’d turned his back onto her for the first time. “Did it 'cause I wanted to feel something else. Caused the pain myself, means I was in control. Sounds sick, I know, but seemed to help back then.” He paused before he showed his hand to her. “That’s new, got it after the prison fell. Helped ease the guilt.”

Beth caught herself nodding slowly. He shifted, looking up again, straight into her eyes. “Don’t wanna compare scars here. Just wanna let you know you’re no freak.” He hesitated again. “Maybe next time you wanna do that...or if ya wanna say why you did it, I’m gonna listen. Won’t judge, promise. Maybe talking works for ya. Is always better than this.“

Still unable to find words, Beth nodded again. It was enough of a reaction for him. Gently he took the knife from her and left. She remained sitting on the edge of the bathtub, still in her underwear, going through all the things she’d wanted to say. That he could come and talk as well rather than hurt himself. That this had to go both ways. That she’d keep their secret safe. Maybe she’d tell him later. She’d go and thank him too, for understanding and letting her know. And she’d make sure she’d take him up on that offer in case she needed it.


	2. Chapter 2

She’d spend the rest of the day hiding from people, convinced they’d know what she’d done earlier. The odd idea of having people read her mind, even though she knew how silly it was, only increased the shame that settled in the pit of her stomach whenever she came back to her senses and realised that yes, she’d done it again. Beth feared she was easy to read, like an open book once people looked her in the eyes. Then again no one really seemed to notice how upset she was at times either...

Then Daryl’d walked in on her, and once the first rush of panic had faded, she’d been unexpectedly okay with it. At times she’d wanted to turn to Maggie, let her big sister know what was going on inside her mind, how messed up and weird she felt, and how the anger got her to such a breaking point, but the older woman’s potential reaction had made her shy away from the idea multiple times. Maggie’d be shocked, even more worried, would ask what she could do, would feel guilty for not noticing. So many emotions would be involved and Beth doubted she could deal with any of them.

Daryl, however...there’d been nothing like that. No pity, no concern, but a quiet support coupled with understanding that’d hit the right tone. He knew what he was talking about. He was going through it too. She was no freak in his eyes. She could come and talk, if she wanted to.

And she did. Somewhere deep inside there was the wish to get it all out, to share her thoughts and feelings with someone who didn’t try to fix the world for her, unable to understand that this was part of the problem to begin with. She wondered if he’d talk to her too. If she could make him open up like she had back when they’d been on the road all by themselves. He’d closed off again once they’d reunited with the others, had put some distance between them, and sometimes she wondered if those months alone had happened after all.

Now he’d reached out to her again, and she was determined to use the chance. For her own sake, but also for his.

Beth found him in the evening, the sun having disappeared already, quiet gently settling upon Alexandria as people retreated to their homes. He was alone, like she’d expected him to be, sitting on the porch just enough in the shadows so that bypassers wouldn’t notice him right away. Without a word in greeting she joined him, making herself comfortable by his side with her knees drawn up to her chest. For a moment, she allowed herself to bask in the comfortable silence between them, which was a whole conversation in itself.

“Still wanna listen to me?” she asked eventually. Daryl turned to face her, with a short nod signalling her to start.

Taking a deep breath, Beth closed her eyes, trying to gather her thoughts enough to make sense. Now that she’d made the step to approach him, she was getting nervous again. _What’d you even gonna tell him?_ , her inner voice mocked. _Think a grown ass man wants to listen to a whiny kid like you?_

Releasing her breath in a sigh, she shook her head. “It makes no sense, y’know?” she forced herself to say, firmly staring at her hands to avoid any kind of eye contact. Her heart was hammering hard against her ribcage. She wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d heard it. “Thinking about it now...it seems like such an idiotic thing to do. But in those moments...when I’m doing it...I’m so upset. I’m so pissed, and then I get mad at myself. Then it just happens. It’s satisfying in that moment, but afterwards…” She chuckled dryly, shaking her head again. “You must think I’m such a spoiled, stupid brat. What do I even know about pain? Why’d I think I have the right to be messed up? I’m a stupid, little girl.”

The familiar heat of anger started to form in the depth of her chest, quickly growing in intensity. Tears stung in her eyes, fueling her rage even further. Formerly loose hands closed into tight fists. She tightened them further until she could feel the soft sting of nails digging into palms. _Stupid girl. Stupid, naive little girl._

Beth flinched when she felt him move. Wordlessly he reached out and took her hands into his, carefully prying them apart, smoothing them down onto her upper thighs. She was shaking with the rising tension that threatened to tear her apart. She wanted to feel the nails digging in but couldn’t. Her teeth sunk into her bottom lip instead, trying to release at least a bit of it.

“Beth,” Daryl said quietly. “C’mon, look at me.”

With all the willpower she could muster she met his gaze, face heating up in shame. _What a ridiculous idea_ , she thought. _Why’d you even think about coming here, dumping that shit on him? Who wants to hear that?_

“It’s okay, y’know,” he said, keeping her trapped with his eyes bearing into hers. He didn’t do that often; making eye contact for so long. “Feeling bad. No one decides who’s allowed to.”

She snorted in disbelief. “Oh yeah? So you wanna tell me I got any reasons to be the way I am? Look, this...this isn’t about the bad things that happened in my life. Yeah, I lost a lot, I went through some tough shit. True. So did everyone else here. The reason why I’m getting so mad, why I feel like tearing myself apart...it’s ‘cause I feel invisible. Like...Beth is good enough for watching the kids, for doing the cooking. Blend in, be useful and then shut up. Blonde, little sweetheart who’s not capable of holding a knife, of going out with the others. Everyone sees me as weak, no matter how hard I’m trying, and that’s making me mad! But whenever I try to talk about it, no one’s gonna listen. Everyone’s just like ‘nah, don’t worry, Bethy, we’re gonna take care of you’, but that’s not what I want! I’m done with being treated like a helpless damsel in distress! I’m getting so angry at this, and then I’m getting mad at myself ‘cause I’m not able to make people see what I’m capable of. ‘Cause I’m always gonna be a useless dead weight, nothing else. And now I’m sitting here, whining to you like the spoiled girl everyone thinks I am, while there’re real problems in the world. To you of all people who knows how much life really can suck. Guess you’d been a happy camper if you’d had my problems at this age.”

It was a brief reaction, barely there, but Beth still felt how he tensed at her words. A new rush of shame hit her. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…”

“It’s okay,” he interrupted her, voice rough and low, but not indicating that she’d gone too far. Daryl looked away for a moment, still holding on to her hands, before he continued, “I get where you’re coming from, but that’s bullshit. It’s no contest. There ain’t no ranking.” He sighed. “I can see it, y’know? Why’s it upsetting you so much. Saw how proud you were out there, when it’s been the two of us. All proud whenever ya got something right. All confident. Ya wanna show how strong you are, but no one’s letting you. Not your fault though.” At her surprised look, he added, “We should give you a chance. Let you prove yourself. You did just fine out there with me. Got a steady hand on that gun and knife. It’s not ‘cause you’re stupid. It’s ‘cause we fail to see.”

Beth couldn’t help the hint of a smile at his words. Her face turned dark again as she said, “Still no reason to do...this.”

“Yeah, well...there wasn’t no reason to be mean to ya either, back when we ran from the prison. ‘Cause of that fucking guilt.” He shrugged. “Guess people do a lotta stuff that ain’t making sense when you look at it. Really shitty stuff.”

She couldn’t argue with that. “Isn’t now the moment you should tell me what a great life I have?” she asked. “Teach me some coping mechanisms and shit? So I can make myself stop next time it hits me?”

Her heart skipped a beat when he offered that rare little smile of his. “Ain’t no therapist. Look at me.” He nodded towards the cigarette burn on his hand. “Guess you could say whatever ya want, wouldn’t just make old habits die.” Daryl shrugged again. “Just know you’re no freak. No spoiled brat either by the way. Everybody’s gotta reasons to hurt. Even kids. Don’t need a shitty childhood to blame.” He gave her hands a gentle squeeze. “You’re a tough lady, Beth. That shit...ain’t gonna go away just like that. Takes some time.”

“Next thing you’re telling me is that I shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help? Come to you when I’m losing it again, rather that go for the blade?” Her smile widened a bit when he nodded. “That goes for you too, y’know? Can’t go ‘round giving advice and not taking any yourself.”

“I’m gonna try, okay?” He frowned. “Got a lot more years of handling stuff the wrong way on my back.”

“It’s never too late to change.” This time, she gave him a full smile, chuckling as he rolled his eyes. With a deep sigh, she said, “Thank you. For listening. For...taking me serious.”

_That’s it_ , she thought. Being taken serious. It felt so good, being allowed to share those shitty thoughts which made her want to slap herself for having in the first place. To know she wouldn’t be judged. 

Beth stayed on the porch when Daryl got up to head inside. Before he rounded the corner, he stopped again. “There’s gonna be a big supply run tomorrow. Guess we’d do well with another person. Interested?” 

She couldn’t help the broad smile that lit her face at his words, probably making her looks like a child on Christmas. Not caring this time, she nodded. “Very interested.” She laughed when he shook his head at her, once again with the tiniest of smiles. 

Maybe this was her chance to show what he’d already seen a long time ago. Maybe others might see it too. And if not? So be it. 

Right? 

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own this show. No profit is made with this story.


End file.
